and on that note   
11:33am 27/12/2010
  I got a netbook for yule. Since I am no longer stuck with Livejournal, I will probably not be updating here regularly. I had grander ideas when I opened this account, and now that I have the means, I am persuing them.

It's at polyblue.blogspot.com

If you're interested, please, do follow me ;) Tell your friends?
 
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Yule   
09:25pm 17/12/2010
  I know I haven't been interesting enough to really accrue readers yet at this point. But happy holidays to those who are celebrating, or those who will be celebrating soon (at the time I am writing this, Hanukkah is on, but it'll probably be over by the time I post).

I celebrate a non-denominational, family-oriented Christmas with my extended family, but my husband and I both celebrate "yule." Our religions are similar in basic ways but different also; we can both agree on trees, gift-giving and celebrating the return of the sun on the winter solstice. I've prepared pine cones with peanut butter and bird seed (I was hesitant to do this because I heard birds had trouble digesting peanut butter; this apparently is a myth) to hang outside on trees, and I wanted to do popcorn and berries on thread but I'm not sure I will. I have wanted to "give" to the animal community for yule for a couple of years now, but this is the first year I've really been able to just do it. Last year, I was getting married. So there is that.

I'm also going to be preparing a brunch for some close friends, Kitten included. It's nice to be with her and Ark together again, though there is clearly a rift between them (they no longer play as they used to). At least they get along and both manage to be happy in the presence of the other, so I have faith that this will go well, like Thanksgiving. Also, there will be at least three other people there besides the three of us, maybe more, making it less stressful to me as far as divvying up my attention goes. Not that there will be too much time for romance, since I'll be in the kitchen cooking. Yep, I'm that kind of wife.

What's for brunch, you say? On the menu we have basics like eggs, bacon and sausage. Coffee and orange juice, as well as egg nog and some hot spiced wassail will be available. Maybe peach schnapps (fuzzy navel) and rum will be used for spiking. I'm also making sausage biscuits (little rolls of dough with ground sausage inside), monkeyball cake (buttery, brown sugary goodness), cheese danish, apple scones, and blueberry muffins. I may or may not add/delete things, but that's the plan for now. We'll eat and watch movies and hang food on the trees for the birds.

All I'm really missing is a huge bonfire, which I think might get me kicked out of the apartment complex, so let's not do that. Candles will work just fine.

What are you doing this year?
 
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hi, I still exist   
09:35pm 02/12/2010
  Quick update: Ark got a girlfriend. Was happy. I was happy too, because he is so damn cute when he's in love, and I get to appreciate it from a more objective position. He is definitely feeling better towards Kitten, but is not interested in having a relationship with her beyond friendship. We had Thanksgiving together, the three of us, and I couldn't help but imagine Ark's cute girl at the table with us. The four of us as a family made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, even if it was just in my brain.

But then she called it off. Ark's girl, I mean. There's a distance issue, and from what I understand without prying is that she doesn't feel like she'd be getting 100% from him. Ark understands but is hurt nonetheless. He loves totally and even though it was short-lived, he was happy texting with her and we were both excited for her to come visit us.

Though it did give him something else to think about: while being polyamorous gives us the opportunity to love more, it also opens us up for more heartbreak.

I'm working on a post for Life on the Swingset that's way, way overdue. And I want to write something dirty for you. Any suggestions?

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hot quickie   
10:03pm 27/10/2010
  The trouble in Paradise seems to be over. Ark is happy/comfortable again and basically he said to me, "I've been so focused on me loving you and her loving you that I forgot how much you love me." So we're all happy and occasionally, tentatively, having "together time" where the three of us hang out. Just last Saturday, he suggested we three go out for breakfast. He was a complete turn-around, even hugging Kitten unprompted and apologizing for "being a dick".

So, right now I'm at Kitten's. Our sleep-over night has changed from Saturday to Wednesday due to changes in my work schedule. It's like 80 degrees outside, raining, and muggy as hell in her apartment since her complex controls the a/c and heating and the a/c has been shut off. I can't sleep, 'cause I'm too hot, so I'm holding out on the rain cooling things down.

Tomorrow, Kitten is coming home with me to eat dinner with us. On our adventure out of town, we visited family and they gave us some venison, so I'm making a roast and it is going to be delicious. Have I mentioned that I love to cook? Said roast is currently wrapped in country ham and peppered pork fat, and is marinating to perfection.

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(making) Love   
03:57pm 22/10/2010
  Now completed, enjoy. ;)

Smut behind the cut.Collapse )

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How   
11:38am 21/10/2010
  How will you do it?
Heat me up with your kisses,
I feel, I'm slick,
I want you to feel,
I try making a deal;
Read me, feel me,
I'm burning up at the core.
Will you slide your hand down,
Let my fire burn
Around your cool fingertips?
Will you fill me up
Make me dance,
Grind, push.
Or will it be your tongue
On my lips?
Will my thighs hug your head
Hips rise from the bed
Instead?
Maybe two at a time,
Your pleasure
And mine
If I come-hither you
With featherlight touches
As you crest
Might I crest and crash
Into you?
Perhaps as I hover
Above you
Lover
My fingers grip,
Knees slip,
As you run me over
The edge
At a high clip.
Or maybe slow,
So slow,
Take your time,
Easy go.
Touch me light,
Just right,
And keep me so near
Our breath
Is shared.
Will I feel your heart
Beating against
My chest?
I bet
You will bring me there,
And I tempt
My mind
With your attempt.

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morning sun   
01:20pm 19/10/2010
  I enjoy
morning sun
from your bed,
basking
all around you
entangled, hair mangled
from a night
spent wrapped up tight.
I don't want to know
where I end,
where we tie,
is that my heart?
is that your sigh?
I ignore time;
you're mine.
Let the world outside
pass us by.

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"My love is not a pie."   
11:54pm 08/10/2010
  Jealousy has been a part of our journey into a polyamorous lifestyle from the beginning. The evolution of it is most clearly described through Ark, who has been getting what I can only explain as the "raw end of the deal." He has not yet grasped compersion, so even now while things are getting easier for him to accept, he still has times where he gets jealous and grumpy.

read on...Collapse )

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jealousy   
10:30pm 20/09/2010
  I'm writing an entry about jealousy... but it's taking a while to write. Jealousy still touches us and it's evolving every day, so getting a grip on this slippery beast is difficult, but I am analyzing and discussing and putting it down in words.

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something about love   
04:10pm 09/09/2010
  What do we know of love? Humans break and abuse it. Find it. Lose it. We are making love and faking love, shaking it up and breaking it up. We surrender to love and fight once it has us. It's a drug, a poison, a passion, a pleasure. It makes us want, need, hunger, it fills us and empties us, we give give give we take take take.

Love which has no limits is forced to live in a little box built of our preconceptions.

There is truly something to be said about love. Love is like poison and anyone who knows me knows I have a thing for poison. This is not to say that love is bad. Like how a poison is sometimes also medicine, love can heal you or hurt you. Like a poisonous drug, love is highly addictive. When you have love, you can't imagine life without it and when you are without it, you keep trying to score more...

Love can kill you or bring you to life.
Like any vicious cycle, love the poison is beautiful.
 
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baby please   
08:08pm 07/09/2010
  Baby... I want to please you
You want to please me
So please
If you please
Baby please touch me
Baby, make me rock with your rhythm
Pull me closer with your fingertips
Baby, please,
I need you to please
Don't tease
Dig yourself into me
Oh, baby,
Baby please, make me make me
Get me to gasp, shudder, tremble,
Oh baby, get me so close
Baby please make me ride
I want to I want to
I feel it building
Inside

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(making) Love   
09:03am 07/09/2010
  Love. Making love. Are these the words that pass through my mind in those dark, heated moments? Are there words at all? I am filled with want, I am filled with need. I'm burning for your touch but unable to articulate. Your skin is hot beneath my palms, you're burning for me, too. I feel like I should rein myself in but I've long lost the lead. Everything else falls away and nothing outside of us exists anymore; you are what I breathe, taste, all I see, all that anchors me.
x-ratedCollapse )
 
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Asking Permission   
11:16pm 06/09/2010
 
mood: good
Sometimes my husband makes me feel guilty about spending time with Kitten. He doesn't do it on purpose, and he has gotten much better about it (mostly because we've talked about it over and over), but he gets jealous and cops an attitude.

My first reaction is to feel sad and hurt and (yes) guilty. But as time goes on, if I let it fester, I get angry. I don't have an explosive attitude like some fire-sign folk. Instead, I simmer... boil... burn like molten lava. It is usually my anger that makes me say stupid things (when he wouldn't dance with me at a wedding after he'd previously promised to try, I commented that I should have brought Kitten... stupid, I know, and I regretted it instantly), but it is also my anger that makes me want to talk and get it over with. I know better than to talk to him when I'm angry so I let it cool off first. To be fair, I let him know I'm angry and that I want to talk about it later.

On this subject, as with most in this situation, I respect and understand his jealousy and feelings. I know that he is afraid and uncomfortable at times and I do my very best to make him feel better. It does not help that some of our friends (who we don't talk to much anymore... surprise surprise) tell him I'm only making him feel better about it so I can fuck around on him. As I have no intention of ever leaving him, it is important that he sees my intentions and I keep reminding him that I think he's a great husband and that I love him, and I'm not going anywhere. Dogs get separation anxiety and sometimes, mine gets it even when I'm still there.

When asking for time with Kitten, I make the mistake of making it sound like I'm asking for permission when really I'm just asking if he's alright with me being gone, or if he had planned on doing something with me. And it has started to feel like I am asking for permission. Usually he says it's fine, but then later makes me feel guilty, or he texts me asking how much longer I'm going to be if we haven't set a time. I don't get much time with her and the time I do get often feels stunted due to time constraints and my need to keep Ark happy. I love him and I do want it to work.

So we talk about it, like we always do. I explained that I love him and I do want to spend time with him, and I do and will continue to spend most of my time with him. But I only get to see Kitten for a few hours a couple days out of the week, and I want to be able to enjoy that time. Is that selfish? I think it's fair. All of our feelings were out in the open about it and though no real, clear conclusion was drawn, we are working through this patch of trouble. We kissed, snuggled, made up.

All this week, I won't have any default time with Kitten since my husband works every morning and will be home by the time I get off work (I go to her house after work when he is working evenings; an unspoken agreement). So, this morning, instead of asking for permission to go over, I just said, "Hey baby, I'm going over to Kitten's after work today." And he said, "Okay, I'll see if my friends want to get together this afternoon then." And that was the end of it. No attitude, no sour moods, no texts asking what time I was coming home. He texted me when he was leaving his friends' place and I asked for a ride home, and everything is good.

I recently read that enjoying being alone is important in order for polyamory to work for you. I have to agree with that (but that's another article). I think that my husband having something to do while I'm not home really helped him to pass the time without me and stay in a good mood. While I am hopeful that he will some day find someone to be poly with, I don't want him to rush into it because he feels lonely without me (or while our choice to do this is still in touchy stages). Our relationship at the beginning of this was spectacular and I think we should work back up to that before going in deeper.

As I'm sure I've said before and as many polyamorists have said before me, open communication and complete honesty is key. Ark and I talk about every little thing (and I talk with Kitten also). Just talking about the problem and getting it out there is the first step to a resolution, even if the resolution isn't agreed upon immediately. Be patient and work through your issues. The rewards are so worth it.

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Out   
11:11am 04/09/2010
  x-posted from Life on the Swingset

Polyamory, like every alternative lifestyle, includes the "coming out" step. What would we call it? The walk-in closet (cause there's room for more than two)? All jokes aside, coming out can be difficult and, understandably, a lot of people choose not to do it. Or, if they do come out, it's only to a few select people. I'm not worried about losing my job due to religious or sexual practices, so I don't particularly care who at my workplace is aware of my unique circumstances. My family is slightly different; I know some of them suspect, but at this point none of them have come forward with their questions. If they asked, I would be honest. My grandmother knows that Kitten is a friend, and that we spend a lot of time together, but she doesn't know that our relationship has far passed the friendship line. My dad and my sister know the whole story. So, I am out at different levels, but I'm also not hiding anything. I hold Kitten's hand when we walk, I stand close to her and touch her affectionately when we are out in public. To anyone watching, it would be clear that we are either *very* close friends or that we're lovers. If anyone asked, I would tell them the truth, but I don't offer up my personal information on a whim. This is true of most things about me. I just don't share unless I feel the need to do so.

It wasn't always this open for us, though. Since I work with the public and I met Kitten at my workplace when she was a customer, everyone knew who she was. Kitten is very recognizable, even after just seeing her a couple of times, and she was often in our workplace more than once a day. Early on, I was subjected to some playful teasing by my coworkers as it became clear that she was flirting with me. I didn't know how to react at first, because although I had noticed her and I was interested in getting to know her, I had no idea how to even begin. I'm really quite shy and at the time I thought I could be monogamous. I'll even go so far as to say that I didn't believe she was actually interested in me. (Ah, naivety.)

Once we did become closer than just friends, Kitten made it clear that she didn't want me talking to people about it. She wanted our relationship to be kept under wraps because "It's none of their business." It was increasingly difficult not to show signs of NRE at work, as we grew closer and I grew more and more excited because I had a girlfriend. People's questions grew more pointed and I did my best to deflect them without telling any outright lies. More often than not, I would blush and smile and have to walk away from the person I was talking to before I giggled away my cover.

She was right, though, about it not being anybody's business, I mean. I recently had a conversation with someone about coming out and he said that he had a real problem with it. "Why do people feel the need to come out?" And I understand the question. Why do we feel it is necessary to tell people who or what we sleep with? For me, it's more than that. I want to be able to wrap an arm around Kitten's waist while we're shopping, or give her a peck on the cheek, or something that you would do to your partner in public (and not be arrested for doing). I don't *need* to do these things, and I don't *need* to call her my girlfriend, but I want to. So, after discussion, and after we grew more comfortable with one another, we eased up on the closet door and decided to leave it ajar... open, but pulled to, so if someone wanted to peek inside, they could.

I'm interested to hear what people in all sorts of open relationships have to say about coming out. Do you shout it out loud? Is your closet empty? Or do you still have the door locked?

A follow-up post on this article is in the works. Who knew there was still so much to say on coming out?

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Insomnia pt. 2   
11:34pm 03/09/2010
 
mood: awake
Laying awake in bed, unable to sleep even though I have to get up early for work... and I'm wondering...

What restroom do genderfluid/genderqueer/trans folks use??

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10 Rules   
02:54pm 03/09/2010
  These were originally posted at sexgeek.wordpress.com and I read them, and instantly I knew I had to post about them. First, I'm going to give you the list. Read them, love them, hate them, let me know what you think! I will post a follow-up as soon as I'm done writing it.

10 Realistic Rules for Good Non-MonogamousRelationships by Andrea Zanin
cut for lengthCollapse )

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Red (a dream)   
11:11pm 25/08/2010
 
mood: horny
( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )
 
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Insomnia   
11:50pm 24/08/2010
  My husband is asleep in our bed, due to wake up for work in less than five hours. My girlfriend is asleep in her bed at her apartment, a short 15 minute walk away from where I live. My bearded dragon's light is off and he is curled up under the log in his tank. My two cats are stretched out on the couch next to me, taking up every last inch of space not occupied by myself. My whole world sleeps, but I am wide awake...

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Lucky   
12:23am 24/08/2010
 
mood: optimistic
x-posted from Life on the Swingset

How often do you walk around at work, or at the mall, or anywhere, and wonder if the people around you feel as lucky as you do? Is the person in the car next to you at the stoplight a swinger? Is the teller at the bank a polyamorist? How lucky are we, the few, the different, who have opened up our minds, our hearts and our bodies to let in more than the average man (or woman)? Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on Cloud 9. For a long time, all I could think about was how lucky I felt. Ark is an amazing husband, everything anyone could ever want in a man and a life mate. He spoils me with footrubs, still buys me flowers, and best of all, he loves and accepts me for who I am. That's what love is about, isn't it? Taking someone for everything they are; the good, the bad and the ugly. So when I go off into a foggy bog of guilt for loving someone besides him, when I apologize and tell him I wish I could be "normal" all he says is that he loves me and he just wants me to be happy. I'm doing my very best to keep him happy, too, because I really do love him and feel so honored and lucky to have him forever.

So, if I have this awesome, amazing husband, you might ask, why do I feel the need to find love elsewhere? This is a difficult question for me to answer. Everyone is raised differently. My mom always used to tell my sister and I that it didn't matter who or what we brought home, as long as they made us happy, she would accept them into the family. It was just the three of us for most of my life, with the constant revolving door of steady and not-so-steady men my mom dated.

It seems that such an atmosphere, growing up and looking up to my mom, has instilled in my sister and I the same unquenchable appetite for love and a seemingly bottomless supply of affection. But from the shuffle of men, I got the need for stability (I have never had a short-term relationship) whereas my sister has a need for change (and she has never had a long-term one). I was asked recently if I have a problem with commitment and at first I said no, but then I thought about it. "Yes," I said, "I think I do. I commit to too many people."

But fortunately for me, or unfortunately for Ark, I am an honest creature. Sometimes bluntly so. So I would never be a cheater, or at least I wouldn't be very good at it. I am deeply affected by NRE (New Relationship Energy) and when I'm happy I just want to share my happiness with everyone. So, instead of keeping my love a secret and sneaking around behind my husband's back to be with this woman, I chose the path less traveled and told him about it. I say this may be unfortunate because my monogamous husband does have trouble understanding the situation sometimes. We're new at this so at the worst of times he feels jealous and insecure. I've told Ark that he has nothing to worry about, I love him, and I still want to be by his side for the rest of my life. But I understand I'm seeing things differently than he is. As of today, we are still more happy than unhappy, and Ark and Kitten get along famously.

So when I have to explain why I'm polyamorous to someone, I'm still mostly at a loss. I am poly because I am poly. I don't feel right in a normal monogamous relationship. But at the same time I don't want to lie and cheat. It's not that different from swinging, people who want to explore things outside of their relationship, only in my case my husband doesn't have the same urge as I do. I wonder, are there couples where only half swings? My hopes are that Ark might grow to see the benefits of polyamory, maybe he'll meet a nice girl... maybe I'll like the girl, too! But I'm really happy just with my Ark and my Kitten right now, so I'm going to keep loving both of them hard until we get to that point.

I hope that as my experience grows and as we overcome hurdles in this, I can write articles that will help a nervous poly feel confident. Nothing good comes easy and no one is blessed freely. Keeping one relationship is hard work, and keeping more than one is twice that (or three times, or four, you get the picture). Some people won't be able to understand that you can and do love more than one person... without the amount of love for anyone lessening. I have told Ark, "My love is not a pie. My love for you is not less now that I also love Kitten. I love her *in addition* to loving you."

What's this post about, anyway? It looks like I went off on a tangent but really, I have a point. My point is that I feel extremely blessed and lucky that my husband is even taking these steps with me. That even though sometimes he's afraid, and sometimes I feel guilty and sometimes I wonder if things would be better if I *could* lie and cheat... I'm glad I didn't. I am so glad I am honest and so appreciative for all the happy times I have because of it. At the beginning, when I was learning about polyamory via google, I read many articles about people who went through relationships and marriages before coming to terms with their poly nature. I know my relationship with Ark is strong enough to make it through this, and I hope it will make it stronger, make it evolve.

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(a late) Introduction   
04:02pm 21/08/2010
 
mood: loved
x-posted @ Life on the Swingset

"I am definitely in love with her."

Not that strange a sentence. Millions, billions of people probably think or say the same thing every day, in their own language or in their own way. Maybe it's a little more unique because I said it and I'm a woman. It takes the cake because I was saying this to my husband.

I've always had this little "problem," let's say, of falling in love. I thought everyone was the same, always squelching their deep affection for friends who would never know. After a bad experience with an open relationship that ended badly, I felt like I was doomed to be miserable or (gasp!) a cheater.

When I met my husband, he was already aware that I had this tendency. I used to joke that I would fall in love with someone new every day. And for a long time, I managed to keep myself in a monogamous relationship. We got married, we were happy, sex was great. I wanted for nothing.

Then I met her.

It was at first, as it usually is for me, completely innocent. It is hard for me to get close to people but for some reason, we just clicked. We spent hours just sitting in her apartment, talking, sharing our histories, discussing books, movies, and sex. Attraction became clear in almost no time, and a fast two months after meeting her I knew I was in over my head. At this point, I would usually back off. The other person has no idea and doesn't seem to have the same feelings for me. Only this time I know it isn't true. She's expressed herself and I know there is a chance for something... something new and amazing.

It is not in me to be dishonest. So, nervous and excited, I sat at the breakfast bar in our apartment, tapping my fingers on the counter top. As I watched my husband make dinner, I cleared my throat. It was now or never. "I have to tell you something..."

His initial reaction was fantastic. He listened to everything I had to say, even being patient with me as I burst into tears and told him that I was sorry, apologizing for being fucked up, unable to be "normal" and monogamous. He said I shouldn't have to be sorry. In fact, he saw it coming.

The calm and accepting atmosphere my husband was projecting for me made me feel safe, happy. He was understanding about the situation and as our conversation about things progressed I began to feel giddy. Suddenly my guilt about falling in love with this amazing woman was replaced with the simple joy of being in love, amplified by the way my husband was reacting. I gave him an out, telling him that it wasn't too late to put a stop to it, but he said it was fine. I was just overjoyed that I was -allowed- to love her.

That was back in May, three months ago, now. We three have gone through a lot already, on our own and in our relationships with each other. It hasn't all been good but it hasn't all been bad, either. I'm a polyamorist. I am married to Ark, honestly the best husband anyone could ask for (and I'm not just saying this because he's cool with me having a girlfriend, though that is a plus), and I am also in a committed relationship with Kitten. The three of us form a "V", with me at the point. And I have grand dreams of where this new situation can take us, us three, who are still taking baby steps.

As I am exploring polyamory, I am also learning how to love a woman, which is a different and exciting experience on its own. I intend to blog about the things I'm learning, the trials we've faced and will face in the future, and the things we do to make this unconventional (but awesome!) relationship work.

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